Here We Go…
Before and After
I love before and after photos. To see someone’s progress displayed so simply and truthfully always inspires me to continue “balls to the wall” in my own journey.
Ironically, I have never had the desire to see my own pictures. My own proof. Not until recently, anyway.
Today, I spent an hour going through a huge Rubbermaid tub full of pictures. I knew there wouldn’t be many of me because, honestly, I used to steer clear of the camera at all costs. I mean ALL COSTS. Sadly now, on paper it looks as though I wasn’t present for some of my most precious family moments. I regret that part tremendously. I was a product of self-hate at it’s finest.
110 pounds later, I still felt scared of that box. Why is that? As I went through the pictures, tears streamed and streamed. Baby pictures, wedding pictures, cuddly ex and I pictures, Christmas pictures, and there the few were… 270 lb me pictures.
I saw them and to be truthful, completely mentally melted. My heart palpitated. I felt anxious. My mind reeling the entire time.. “Why are you crying? You should be proud! You should be proud of how far you’ve come? Stop! stop crying!” None of the pleas to myself helped. I finally just embraced the moment, and allowed myself the cry.
Afterward, puffy and sad, I had the insatiable urge to binge eat. I opened the fridge and without thinking, started unloading the contents onto the counter.
Then…. then, I snapped back. I snapped back into my reality. I put all the food back, made myself a cup of tea, and to this blog I went. My blog where I’m surrounded by love and support for a healthier me… for a me that doesn’t allow her emotions to be swallowed by food… The me i am now. I had to disable the “self-destruct button.”
For myself, for my emotional growth, and also for the integrity of this journey, these pics need to be here. Here on my very best support system.
So without further delay… my “so far” before and nows.
Before: 274 lbs
Now: Taken yesterday at work. last wiw 159 lbs.
Height - 5’9 1/2
Highest Weight: 274 lbs
The Tumblr Beginning Weigh In: 185 lbs.
